Oh, my God, did I make it? Am I caught up? YES! Oh, my god, you guys, I’m so happy. I’m gonna be able to do some pre-recap babbling now. I just know you missed those. I mean, isn’t this season neat? We’re almost halfway through and some of the characters underwent major changes. Arya has finally started her apprenticeship at the House of Black and White, and Jon gained a position of power that is totally not going to screw everything up. From the look of things, Dany might also go through a life-changing event by the end of the season. Fingers crossed because I really want it to happen soon. As for this episode… Well, let’s see who’s on the move, shall we?
It has to be me. – Jaime
So guess who abducted Tyrion? Jorah Mormont himself. We see him knock some dude out so he can steal his boat and sail away with his captive, only to cut to…
… Jaime Lannister, on another boat. The boat passes in front of Tarth, the Sapphire Isle, which makes Jaime think of Brienne. Man, I miss those two hanging out. That being said, I’m all for Jaime-Bronn time. Speaking of which, Bronn wonders why they have to enter Dorne in a merchant ship. Sorry, the merchant ship is going to take them somewhere off the Dornish shore and then they’ll just have to make it into the kingdom on their own. Bronn is not happy about that, especially since he’s the only able-bodied fighter in their little team and they’re going to Dorne to kidnap Myrcella. Jaime insists that they bring his niece back to her family. Bronn doesn’t understand why Jaime, a one-handed rich guy who could have easily sent people to rescue Myrcella, is coming along. Bronn guesses that Jaime feels guilty for setting Tyrion free. Well, that and also Myrcella is his daughter, but Bronn probably knows about that already. Jaime denies it, but he does promise to split Tyrion in two if he ever sees him again. Yikes.
Not small enough. – Cersei
Back in King’s Landing, the High Council talks about the Iron Bank again, because this is apparently a good time to remind us that the Crown is more broke than I am. Mace Tyrell offers that his family front the money or he’ll “have words with his daughter.” Man, Mace Tyrell is this show’s lame Dad, isn’t he? In any case, Cersei refuses. Instead, she wants him to go negotiate a better debt plan with the bankers. In person. And she gives him Meryn Trant as a personal bodyguard. Welp. I guess we won’t be seeing Mace Tyrell for a while. If we ever see him again at all.
Later, Cersei meets with the High Sparrow. She offers him wine, which he refuses, reminding her that she should probably not be drinking either, then basically gives him an army. Of course, she claims that she’ll have to ask her son first, but we all know who’s been ruling Westeros since Tywin’s death. Cersei revokes an ancient law that forbid men of faith from taking up the arms to give the sparrows the power to terrorize people, but most of all people that are standing in Cersei’s way. And so begins the rampage of the Sparrows, as they destroy caskets of ale (which is a sin in and of itself, if you ask me) and invade Lord Baelish’s brothel once again. Like, is it literally the only brothel in town, or do all brothels belong to Baelish? Or maybe it’s just that those people love hitting Oliver in the face. Because yes, that happens again. All jokes aside though, the next scene is pretty damn violent, since Oliver sees the Sparrows assault a man for having sex with another man. He decides to flee for his safety (yup, run, Ollie, you’re too pretty to die in this shithole), but who do you think is next?
Exactly. Loras Tyrell, whom Lancel Lannister arrests himself.
I’ll set him free for you. – Tommen
Margaery bursts into Tommen’s chambers, asking why the f*ck her brother has been arrested. She’s understandably livid. She thinks Tommen will understand her when she explains to him that his mother is most likely behind all this, but she forgot something: Tommen is clueless, a shielded cub with a toy crown. Still, seeing his lady in deep emotional distress, the boy decides to take matters into his own hands. He immediately goes to see his mother, who basically mocks him and his adorable innocence. She does send him to the High Sparrow though, which is a cruel joke on its own. When Tommen arrives in Flea Bottom, he is welcomed by a small bataillon of sparrows. The Kingsguard is ready to massacre the sparrows, the sparrows are ready to retaliate, and the small people are yelling insults at Tommen. He comes back to the Red Keep with his tail between his legs, having possibly understood for the first time what kind of world he really lives in. Margaery, now convinced that Tommen has no power, leaves him to write to her grandmother. No wife to warm your bed tonight, Tommen. Margaery will be busy planning her move to bring Cersei down.
The dead don’t need lovers. – Melisandre
In Castleblack, Queen Selyse is being a dick to both Jon Snow and her own daughter. Turns out she likes bastards about as much as, you know, literally everybody who isn’t of her own faith. Stannis, on top of not caring about his wife’s rambling, apparently doesn’t really believe that Ned would have cheated on Catlyn. Neither do we, Stan. Neither do we. Melisandre arrives. Queen Selyse flees, as she should, and Melisandre and Stannis have a quick word. It turns out that Stannis, despite his desperate need for the Red Priestess, is starting to doubt her allegiance. Huh.
Later, Jon signs letters to ask a few lords for men. It’s a good thing Sam is there to encourage him to do it, otherwise I have a feeling like he would just burn all the letters and go train some more. This until the letter destined to Roose Bolton comes up and Sam literally has to convince Jon to sign it. He does, reluctantly so. As Sam leaves, Melisandre enters Jon’s study. She tries to get him to ride south with Stannis. How, you ask? With her boobs. I mean, she says she wants to show Jon that he’s fighting for life, but she shows him her boobs. And the rest of her body too. She urges him to use the power within him, by which she literally means the power of his boner. Unfortunately for her, Jon’s love for Ygritte is eternal and pretty exclusive. Out of spite, Melisandre tells Jon Snow that he knows nothing before leaving the room.
Shireen visits her father in his own study. She’s bored and wants some father-daughter time, which, Ugh. You intend on making me atually like Stannis, don’t you, show? Go on, I’m watching. Shireen bluntly asks her father if he’s ashamed of her. He then tells her the story of how she got Grey Scale, because he was once a new father who just wanted to give a cute wooden doll to his baby daughter. When she was infected, everybody advised him to send her away. Instead, he did everything in his power to save her. Because Shireen is his daughter. He doesn’t say “I love you” but his story is enough. Shireen hugs him. Great. Now how am I supposed to want Brienne to chop his head off, huh?
How many tens of thousands had to die because Rhaegar chose your aunt? – Littlefinger
We find Sansa in the crypt, lighting candles, when Littlefinger joins her. Wait, was that a feather? Anyway. Baelish, seeing that Sansa is standing in front of Lyanna’s statue, tells him of that time at Harrenhal, when Rhaegar Targaryen won a tourney and chose Lyanna as queen of beauty instead of his wife. Yeah. Awkward. Also, the start of a war. Sansa adds that Rhaegar also kidnapped and raped Lyanna. Well… we don’t actually know that. It’s not like Lyanna herself is still there to tell the story. For all we know, maybe she did love Rhaegar back and maybe they just had sex that one time and then maybe she got pregnant and died in childbirth. Who knows, really? Littlefinger walks Sansa out of the crypt. He reveals that he’s leaving for King’s Landing. He’s not worried about leaving Sansa alone with the Boltons, not because he’s clueless, but because he knows that either Stannis will crush them, or Sansa will take over Winterfell from the inside.
As far as I’ve seen, they’re all shit ways to die. – Jaime
Bronn and Jaime are in Dorne! Not thanks to Jaime. By the time they come across four Dornish warriors, Bronn has already saved Jaime’s life once and they had a pretty fun discussion about the way they want to die. Jaime wants to die in the arms of the woman he loves. Good luck with that. So how about those Dornish warriors? Bronn tries to bullshit their way through this touchy situation, but it doesn’t quite work. The two companions end up in a fight. A fight where Bronn does most of the work, but where Jaime finally discovers how his golden hand could be useful in combat. He then proceeds to make Bronn bury the bodies of their enemies. Man, Jaime, Bronn is going to kick your sorry arse someday.
Girl or boy, we fight our battles. – Obara
Ellaria Sand joins three of the Sand Snakes: Tyene, Nymeria, and Obara. Ellaria is still, uh, pretty pissed that Prince Doran refused to go to war. The girls, meanwhile, captured the captain of the ship that brought Jaime Lannister to Dorne. They know he’s here, which means that if they want to join Ellaria in avenging Prince Oberyn and murder Myrcella, they have to move quickly. Will they side with their late father’s paramour, though? Judging from Obara’s spear through, the ship captain’s skull, I’d say yes.
Go, Ser Barristan. Sing a song for me. – Dany
Back in the sea, Tyrion finally gets Jorah Mormont to ungag him by singing off-key. He quickly learns that Jorah is taking him to Danaerys, which is hilarious considering that he was on his way to Meereen in the first place. He also guesses Jorah’s identity pretty quickly, as well as what happened that could possibly make him be in a brothel and want to bring Tyrion to his queen’s feet. This little mind game earns him Jorah’s fist right in the face.
Speaking of Dany, we join her as she’s having a nice little chat with Barristan Selmy at the top of her pyramid. It’s time for another Prince Rhaegar story. After a tale of handsome, skilled, foolish, and possibly violent Prince Rhaegar, we get a tale of kind, peaceful, and generous Prince Rhaegar. In any case, he sounds like a dude I want to see in that show. Like, what if he was the real father of a major character, on top of being amazing at everything and in love with the only woman in the world he couldn’t have? Dany loves the story, but Daario comes in to ruin the mood: AssFace O’SilverSpoon wants a hearing with Her Grace. She sends Ser Barristan in the streets of Meereen with a smile, confident that they will reunite soon enough. Oh, boy.
While Hizdhar zo Loraq pleads once more for the reopening of the fighting pits, Sons of the Harpy invade the streets of Meereen, with the help of the same prostitute who helped them murder an Unsullied. They slit a few Second Sons’ throats, then leave the prostitute behind to scream and alert a patrol of Unsullied nearby. She sends them in a narrow passage where the Sons of the Harpy surround them. Why this patrol in particular? Because Grey Worm is leading it. An intense battle begins. The Unsullied give back hit for hit to the Sons of the Harpy and Grey Worm brings down quite a few of them… But more arrive. The clamor of the battle catches Ser Barristan’s attention. Meanwhile, the Sons of the Harpy gang up on Grey Worm and manage to drive a knife in his gut. Grey Worm fights even harder while out in the streets, the Sons of the Harpy murder more of his brothers. Soon enough, Grey Worm finds himself the only Unsullied standing, surrounded by his enemies. Fortunately for him, Ser Barristan joins the battle. He fights like a lion, like the legendary knight he is, bringing down several enemies even as they slice him and bring him down to his knees and pierce his flesh and bones. Grey Worm saves his throat by killing the last Son of the Harpy still alive before collapsing near the old knight.