Game of Thrones: “The Wars To Come”

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The Game of Thrones opening credits feel like a wake up call every time they ring through my headphones. It’s like I’m the Wall and Game of Thrones is the Horn of Joramun, here to break me down and submerge me with blood, awe-inspiring dialogue, complex characters, and nakedness. I am so excited for this season that I don’t even feel like going through my usual start-of-the-recap ramble. Let’s dive in.

Everyone wants to know their future ’til they know their future” – The Witch

Aaah, the gloom of the woods in medieval times! The episode starts with two young girls walking through the forest – one of them a meek brunette, the other one a fierce, golden lioness non other than Cersei. My kudos to the casting director, young Cersei is as creepy and tough as she sounded in the books. Cersei and her friend are on their way to visit someone who lives in a precarious hut in the middle of the woods. A witch. Oh-ho! I didn’t think we were going to see that scene, but it’s a good opener season 5 – also, blatant foreshadowing, if not outright spoiler. The witch has Cersei prick her thumb with a sharp knife, then tastes her blood to reveal her fate. I won’t lie: despite the whole “being the queen” part, it doesn’t seem too enviable.

Tyrion may be a monster but as least he killed our father on purpose. You killed him by mistake.” – Cersei

We emerge from Cersei’s memories when she does, right as she arrives at the Grand Sept. She basically flips off the Grand Septon and everybody gathered outside, telling them to wait while she spends some last moments alone with her father’s body – Remember how Tywin’s dead now? Because Tyrion shot him? Yeah, you better, this will be in the test. We get a look at Tywin’s body, looking all nice and creepy with the eye-stones on his closed eyelids while Cersei joins Jaime. While the cello plays The Rains of Castamere (first time of this season), the twins discuss, or rather Jaime tries to tell Cersei they need to stay united for the difficult times ahead of them (what with the whole “Tywin was the strongest element of the Lannister family and the shadow behind the king and now he’s dead”), while Cersei is dead set on hating Tyrion and insulting Jaime for letting their father die. I understand the hating Tyrion part but really, Cersei, you should probably not push away the only person around that actually loves you.

The future is shit, just like the past.” – Tyrion

Varys lets a filthy, drunk, and disoriented Tyrion out of a crate. Tyrion is upset about the whole being trapped in a crate and having to push his shit through air holes for days. Varys, as passive-agressive as ever, gives his least sincere apologies to Tyrion – after all, he was the one who had to throw his shit over board. Yum. They are now in Pentos, in Ilyrio Mopatis’ home (remember, the guy who sheltered Viserys and Danaerys until she married Khal Drogo?). Tyrion immediately grabs the first jar of wine he sees and starts drowning himself in it (also known as getting shit-faced, since shit is kind of a recurring motif in this scene) while Varys talks about the friends of the Targaryen restoration and saving Westeros. He tries to get Tyrion’s attention on the matter, but Tyrion vomits a good amount of wine and drinks even more of it. It’s almost like killing his father and lover traumatized him or something.

Angry snakes lash out. Makes it that much easier to chop their heads off” – Dany

The statue of the Harpy is taken down by a squad of Unsullied. The head of that squad then visits a brothel, where he pays a prostitute who leads him into her room. In the midst of fake orgasms and loud sex noises, he doesn’t even ask the prostitute to get naked. He is a regular client who only comes for cuddles, and a lullaby that she hums into his ear, stroking his head until a masked man comes in and slices his throat. First blood! Woohoo! Later, Ser Barristan Selmy informs Danearys that the authors of the murder are the Sons of the Harpy. Dany is understandably upset that the former high class of the city is trying to sabotage her reign and the freedom it brought to the little people and the slaves. She commands that the Dead Unsullied be buried with honours and that the Sons of the Harpy be stopped. While the Unsullied prepare for their mission, Missandei asks to talk to Grey Worm in private. She wants to know why the Unsullied would visit brothels. I’d say for human warmth. Grey Worm says he doesn’t know. He also doesn’t tell Missandei that he wants to make out with her but we all know he does, so that’s okay.

Get your shield up” – Jon Snow

We find Jon Snow training with one of his new recruits while Ghost eats a giant bone like a good puppy and Sam and Gilly observe. Gilly thinks Sam should train, to which Sam answers that he’s killed a Wight Walker and a Thenn. Ser Alliser walks by, mumbling about the men’s incompetence. Gilly senses that he hates her and prays Sam to not let him send her and the baby away. Sam promises to stick with her come what may. Those two are kind of adorable, don’t you think? Meanwhile, Melisandre comes to bring Jon to Stannis. They ride the lift to the top of the Wall together, during which Melisandre casually asks Jon if he’s a virgin. Look, Mel, Jon likes redheads, but he likes his ladies less creepy and better than him at archery. What does Stannis want with Jon Snow? Well, as usual, he mostly wants to be a dick. Stannis plans on taking back Winterfell and wants Jon Snow to convince Mance Rayder to bow down to him, so that the wildlings will join Stannis’ forces. It’s that or Mance burns. Also Jon Snow has until nightfall. Which is probably only a few hours away seeing as it’s almost winter. Stannis, Douche of the Douchebags.

The good lords are dead and the rest are monsters.” – Brienne

In the Eyrie, Robyn is getting his sorry ass handed to him by some dude while Lord Royce, Baelish, and a young Maleficent who looks a lot like Sansa watch. I love that Baelish is trying to convince the lord that Robyn has some redeeming qualities. The lord is not buying it and I’m roaring with laughter. Robyn’s a wimp. I’m not even sorry for saying that. The kid is a shit human being on top of everything else. Baelish and Young Morticia leave Robyn in the care of lord Royce.

Meanwhile, Pod tries to cheer Brienne up after her burning failure at retrieving Arya. It doesn’t go very well. Brienne is depressed, discouraged, and tries to push Pod away once more. Good thing the lad is not ready to give up on her. It’s also ironic that she’s so down that she won’t even take interest in the procession passing by, because Baelish and Young McGonagall are inside of it. She realized that they’re not going where Baelish told Lord Royce they were going. As usual, they mostly talk plotting and conspiracies – and getting Young Elphaba (yes, I have plenty more of those up my sleeve, you just wait) out of Cersei’s reach. Huh. Consider me intrigued.

I doubt you’ve ever lead anyone anywhere.” – Cersei

Back in King’s Landing, it’s time for the funeral banquet, and Loras Tyrell tries to present his deepest condolences to Cersei. He’s awkward and clearly doesn’t know how not to make Tywin sound like the tyrant he was, but it’s not like Cersei is listening. She’s too focused on Tommen’s growing affection for his queen, the ever stunning Margaery Tyrell. Cersei escapes the Awkard of the Flowers, as well as Pycelle, and comes across Lancel Lannister, who has become part of a cult and shaved his hair off since the last time we saw him. She tries to escape him as well but he finds her staring out the window. Lancel wants Cersei’s forgiveness for, he says, having tempted her into their unnatural relation, to which Cersei makes what could only be called a Lannister version of the “oh honey” face. This said, Lancel also wants her forgiveness for something else. Something about King Robert, wine, and a boar hunt.

What’s the point of trying to keep a seret in a place like this?” – Loras

Naked time! We find Loras laying with that male prostitute we discovered last season when he was banging Oberyn “My Pants Just Vanished” Martell. They seem to be having quite the lovely time together, kissing and groping and – sorry, my brain turned off. Too much hotness. They’re interrupted by Margaery, who barges in and looks like a very upset fox, not so much because of what her brother is doing but because the Tyrells are already late for dinner and Loras doesn’t have any clothes on. She parades around the room, stuffs her adorable face with some munchies lying around and stares at the two guys, as foxy, daring, and cunning as ever. Oh Natalie Dormer. I want to have your babies. The prostitute, Oliver, leaves (she checks his ass because of course she would). The siblings are left to discuss Loras’ supposed engagement to Cersei Lannister. Loras reminds Margaery that with Tywin dead, there’s no way Cersei is going to marry him, which would mean a lifetime of dealing with the Lannister queen for her. “Perhaps,” Margaery answers. “Perhaps?” Loras says, dubious. “Perhaps,” she repeats. And I giggle.

Perhaps we’ve grown so used to horror we assume there’s no other way.” – Varys

In Pentos, Varys and Tyrion greet each other with a good amount of insults. Tyrion is curious to know why Varys would choose to save him when he could be risking his own life. Varys goes on about his love and undying loyalty to the realm – not the king, mind you, just the realm. He believes that Tyrion has what it takes to help him save it. Tyrion doesn’t believe that a kinslayer, murderer, and drunk like himself is up to the task. Varys shrugs it off. What does he want? A better world. To achieve it, he hopes to help Danaerys Targaryen sit on the Iron Throne. Will Tyrion join him? Of course he will.

From what is said in this scene, I think the show might drop one certain storyline. It would certainly simplify the plot and help get to the end more quickly, but I don’t know how I feel about it yet. Plus, there’s no guarantee that they will drop it. I guess we’ll see how things turn out.

I’m not a politician, I’m a queen.” – Dany

Meereen, where Daario Naharis comes back to Danaerys with Whinyface McSlaver, whose face I definitely remember but whose name I don’t feel like searching in my memory. Whinyface tells Dany how Daario and himself calmed things down in Yunkai. They will now accept the end of slavery as well as Dany’s authority. There’s just one thing: they want her to reopen the fighting pits, where slaves have torn each other apart for centuries. Whinyface makes the point in that with the end of slavery, the people taking part in the massacre would be doing so on their own free will. Dany rejects the proposition.

Later, after her welcome back sex session with Daario (can you believe this hottie plays Emilia Clarke AND Tatiana Maslany’s lover? NOT FAIR, UNIVERSE), Dany learns that the fighting pits are the very reason why Daario is who he is in the first place. Could it be that sometimes, “good” (with quotes because we’re talking about Daario here) things come out of bad things? In any case, Daario prays Dany to show her strength, which pretty much means to show her dragons. Turns out, however, that Dany can’t aproach her two remaining babies without them trying to burn her face off. Could it be that she’s not as strong as she used to be?

The freedom to make my own mistakes is all I ever wanted.” – Mance Rayder

In Winterfell, Jon visits Mance Rayder in his improvised cell. Mance knows why Jon is there, of course. He is quite impressed by Stannis’ boldness, but refuses to bend the knee. Jon tries his best to convince him, reminding him that he needs to be there for the people he spent his life uniting, trying to make it sound like swearing loyalty to Stannis would be worth it for the wildlings as a whole. Mance Rayder is having none of that. The only thing that makes him wince is when Jon reveals to him that he’s going to be burnt alive. Even then, Mance doesn’t change his mind.

In the gloom of the northern dusk, as Stannis sentences Mance to death. Melisandre sets fire to the pyre. Mance slowly burns, all the while trying to retain his dignity. Jon Snow can’t stay there watching and leaves. However, when Mance starts screaming in agony, an arrow pierces his chest. The crowd turns around to see Jon Snow lower his bow. The episode ends in silence.

Valar Morghulis.

– Anais L

Some say she’s French. Some say she’s a voodoo witch. What is certain is that Anais left her awkward print on all things artsy at one point or another in her life, performing as a singer and a pianist, exhibiting photographs and paintings, and leaving an embarrassing amount of visual proofs of those events on the internet. Anais’ dream is to be an animation writer. She thinks everything should be animated and she is more than half convinced that she is herself a cartoon character. She hopes that one day, Pendleton Ward or Jennifer Lee will read her screenplays and say they’re neat.

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