I’ll just get it out of the way: this movie was utter garbage. An absolute train wreck from start to finish. I mean, honestly, was anybody expecting it to be anything but?
Seventh Son tells the tale of Tom Ward, a young farm boy who’s destined for great things. Mother Malkin, an evil witch locked away for years and years, rises into power at the Blood Moon, determined to take over the world. There’s only one person that has the power to stop her, and that’s the man who locked her away in the first place, Gregory, a spook hunter – exorcist, champion fighter, and merciless master of the dark arts. As Malkin prepares for world domination, Gregory trains Tom to be his apprentice, as he is the 7th son of the 7th son… why that matters, I don’t know.
First off, what kind of lame-ass name is Gregory? When people say ‘Gregory’, you think of some smarmy English accountant with a railroad spike up his arse, not Jeff Bridges, swordmaster and legendary ass-kicker. And what the hell happened to him? All of his lines were a garbled, stroked-out mess of vowels and grunts. This can’t possibly be the same Jeff Bridges that was in Crazy Heart or True Grit. No, they’ve replaced it with some sort of Colonel Sanders lookalike with the acting range of a spoon. SOMEBODY FIND THE REAL JEFF BRIDGES.
This, plus the devilchild of all movies – RIPD, and The Giver, he is really taking the fast lane into “used to be good” territory. Pull up, man. PULL UP, FOR GOD’S SAKE. It’s not too late! DON’T END UP LIKE JOHNNY DEPP!
A concept that the filmmakers failed to grasp is that you can’t just lump two good looking people together in a movie and expect the audience to accept that these two people are totally into each other. I had a difficult enough time trying to accept that Tom fell in love with Malkin’s niece in the span of two days, exchanging less than 10 words between the two of them, so let’s not even get into the whole Jeff Bridges used to be into Julianne Moore thing. It was like watching a child bash two Barbies together. Add some shitty visual effects and cheesy one-liners, and hey, I just saved you two hours of your life. No need to thank me. Just performing a public service.
The story of the magical farm boy and the drunken mentor is tired, predictable, and almost insulting. It’s no wonder that Universal, Legendary, and Warner Bros. played hot potato with the thing until someone decided ‘fuck it, release it and make what we can’. The dialogue textbook, the CGI appalling, and the acting wooden made this the worst movie I’ve seen this year, and I assure you, it’s going to take an absolute miracle to find another 2015 movie that can beat it.
I hate Spring movies.