I’m currently playing two very different, hella fun role-playing video games.
Spoiler alert: they are both awesome.
Of course, I’m knee deep in Bioware’s newest Dragon Age installment, Dragon Age: Inquisition, IGN’s Game of the Year for 2014. I’m playing a large Qunari warrior woman with some fabulous makeup (I like to call it the “ice princess” look) and I’ve sided with the Templars. Dragon Age: Inquisition plays like you took all the crackishly addictive fun of World of Warcraft and combined it with the redonkulously vast open world, lore fest of Skyrim. But unlike WoW, the game supplies me with dungeon mates so I don’t have to listen to 14-year olds talk shit about my momma or how much we all love titties. And, unlike Skyrim, the game doesn’t leave me stranded in the middle of nowhere facing a dragon while I’ve got a bad case of rockjoint and no more patience for this shit. Dragon Age: Inquisition is basically perfect. The game is rich with lore, has fucking fantastic combat, and is literally destroying my life. The boyfriend is playing a skinny, ginger sorceress and sided with the Mages. That asshat, what a loser. We only have one copy of the game so if we break up forever, it’s all your fault Dragon Age.
So, because I can’t always be playing Inquisition, the bf kindly suggested I try his copy of South Park: The Stick of Truth. Guys, it’s fucking awesome, too.
In Stick of Truth, you’re the new kid in South Park and all the kids from the show are locked in a heated LARP battle, humans versus elves. Cartman, a foul mouthed wizard, recruits you to his team so that you can help rescue the epic stick of truth from those douchebag elves who stole it. All of your favourite characters are in here, including a fast travel option with Timmy, a mission to the alien spaceship for some anal probing, and Butters being, well, Butters but with a hammer. The best part about the game is that it combines great South Park moments with legit role-playing game action. The combat is turn based and challenging without being maddeningly difficult. The fusion of South Park humour and story with creative and fun video game action produces a super fun way to kill a few hours while Dragon Age happens without me. We’re geniuses.
I know what you’re thinking. “But, Roz, srsly, Dragon Age: Inquisition is amazeballs. Surely South Park’s game is just balls.” Full of balls, sure, but in a good way. Trust me. My only caveat is that if you don’t think South Park is funny, you won’t like Stick of Truth. In fact, the game has all the offensive charm of the show and some serious censorship problems, because Nazis. And abortion. Business as usual in South Park but not everyone digs that darkly humorous satire. So, ye be warned, fellow adventurers.
Back to Dragon Age: Inquisition because I have a bone to pick with you, oh devilish game of evil addiction. As the boyfriend was merrily mage-ing his way through life, the universe, and everything, he hit very few snags that caused epic meltdowns of rage. On the other hand, I hit my Templar quest “Champions of the Just” and died A MILLION FUCKING TIMES TRYING TO KILL THE ENVY DEMON. What kind of boss level shit is this? I mean, I made it through but goddamn. GODDAMN. Warn a girl that she’s going to face some seriously fucked up biz before she heads into action with a poorly equipped party for the apocalypse. Sure, now I have a great story to tell you all, but at the time I was seriously questioning my life choices. I was trying to drink wine, eat taco salad, and play a video game. You made me put my salad down!
So, play Dragon Age: Inquisition because it is literally the best. If you can’t, because your boyfriend is slightly stronger than you and won the arm wrestle, play South Park: The Stick of Truth. You can laugh at dick and fart jokes while he sorts out his inventory problems and regrets being a loser Mage. Oh, I went there.
– Roz Y.