All in all, 2014 was rather epic, movie-wise. There were, however, a few films that made us all question people, filmmaking, and logic in general. It takes a lot of time and effort, not to mention HUGE piles of money, to make a film, even a small one. Hell, making a 15-minute short is not as simple as it may seem.
Which is exactly why bad films are literary the worst – just think of all that wasted potential!
You’d think that by 2014 we’d learn how to not make films like:
Mr Peabody and Sherman
Look, I know that the big trend is to revive franchises people loved during their childhoods, but that’s no reason to do it with every single one of them regardless of their relevance. I didn’t grow up with Peabody and Sherman, I think it’s a very English/American thing, but it clearly doesn’t make a whole lot of sense now. I spent the whole movie being thrown off by the completely ambivalent treatment that was given to Peabody himself. Half the time, he was treated like a perfectly normal member of society. The other half, one person was afraid he was going to teach his kid to bite, which didn’t even come to anybody else’s mind. And then Sherman bit someone and it was like the end of the world. Okay, biting’s not cool, but it’s not that big of a deal. I clearly wasn’t the audience for this, but I still thought that the movie was unfocused, confused, and outdated. And it breaks my heart to say this, because I love Ty Burrell. Him, the crew, the rest of the cast, and the audience deserved better.
Yes, I know that a lot of people don’t actually hate Lucy, but I really do, and it’s not even because of the “we only use 10% of our brain” thing. The movie actually specifies that it’s talking about the potential of our brain, which is… still not really accurate, but a little bit better, I suppose. However, I just couldn’t get over how pretentious this movie was. Lucy is supposed to be that supremely intelligent and evolved being, yet she can’t even get the definition of a theory right. The problem with movies like this one is that a character can never be smarter than its creator (unless consultants are involved), which means that most of the time, the people around are dumbed down so the character looks smarter. That pissed me right the fuck off. All the cool action scenes in the world can’t make up for that. Lucy sucks, period.
I wrote a full article about The Giver and I have nothing else to say about it. If you want a proof that you can’t just adapt any beloved YA novel into a classic Hollywood movie, watch The Giver. And cry.
For some reason, this year was all about making smart people look bad in movies. Transcendence is not exception. It belongs to the same genre as Lucy, except the smart person/computer in it is portrayed as evil for most of the story. The only difference is that this one is actually worse, because where Lucy at least had some interesting action scenes, Transcendence is just boring. You can’t make a sci-fi movie about an evil A.I. and make it boring. I’m pretty sure there’s a law against that.
Deliver Us From Evil
Deliver Us From Evil had gross imagery, next to no plot, bad cinematography, and wasn’t even engaging on the most basic level. I remember it because my roommate and I were alone in the theatre to watch it and I was spooked but seriously, it’s really bad. Can someone do Eric Bana a favor and put him in a good movie? Pretty please?
I maintain that Divergent has a really silly concept. Like, you can’t be honest and kind at the same time because it would ruin society? Why? And why only 5 factions? And why those particular five factions? Can people only have five qualities? And why are the kind people farmers? Why aren’t they the ones feeding the poor? Does kindness prevent you from caring for others? That’s kind of mean. On top of that, this is yet another movie that made smart people look bad this year. Seriously, what’s wrong with embracing science and facts? Anyway. I only watched this movie because I wanted to see Shailene Woodley and Theo James make out and they barely even kissed. C’mon.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
I am actually speechless how Hollywood okayed this tripe for the big screen. If they think cobbling an all-American actor with rippling biceps, a poofy-lipped bimbo, a giant blender from outer space, and a vomit-inducing storyline equals a movie, then I have news for them. It doesn’t. I honestly believe they have potential. The potential to not suck. But it’s like they have a personal vendetta against the integrity of quality filmmaking, and each film is like an giant, two-hour long middle finger to both the general public and the history of movies. So, thanks, Michael Bay. You fucking suck.
I hate to admit that Godzilla was disappointing at best. I thoroughly enjoyed myself when I watched it in theatres – it was thrilling every time the eponymous monster showed up and shrieked his way through the streets of San Francisco. However, there was plenty left to be desired in regards to the story, the acting, and basically, anything that’s not Godzilla. Honestly, if there wasn’t so much hype and anticipation in seeing Godzilla on the big screen again, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed it as much as I did.
How can a movie starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, John Goodman, Cate Blanchett, and Bill Murray be so goddamn boring? I love me a good WWII movie, but holy fuck this movie put me right to sleep. Even with its interesting premise to begin with, the sparse battles scenes sprinkled here and there it still couldn’t hold my attention. I watched this movie over an excruciating period of two days, simply because I just couldn’t stand how mind-numbingly awful it was watching a bunch of old white guys bicker over paintings and what not.
22 Jump Street
If anyone still believes that 30-somethings can pass for the college students, that someone needs to stop making movies, period. Mildly amusing, if you like fart jokes, and mostly forgettable. Again, the producers could’ve invested in something more decent.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
This one could be easily summed up as “A poor attempt at pulling the Bourne routine for the younger generation, aka people who haven’t see the Bourne films… yet”. For the most part, the story had so much conspiracy going on that it was impossible to get what it was about. They do get pints for trying, but the film hardly lives up to the expectations of the audience that is actually familiar with good action films.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
As I already mentioned in my review, I don’t even know what’s worse about this film – the horrifying and very unpleasant-looking turtles that undoubtedly traumatized the entire generation of young viewers, or the nonsensical story. You don’t really have to choose though. ‘Both’ is also an acceptable answer. Bonus lame point – April O’Neil is supposed to be a redhead! If Hollywood can’t get THAT right, I don’t know if I can trust them at all. Did you know they announced the second film? I guess we can’t speak of any faith in humanity anymore.
Horrible Bosses 2
The title speaks for itself.
Roz agrees that Godzilla was a mistake that shouldn’t have happened, but she is either really good at avoiding the truly terrible stuff, or is much nicer about it than the rest of us 🙂
Are there any 2014 films you wish you could ‘unsee’, Bunsters?