Mario Kart is the car racing video game of my generation, and the next. Nintendo has knocked another classic game sequel out of the park with new Mario Kart 8 for the Wii U. I’m playing it. You’re playing it. The kids are playing it. Basically, when the holy war breaks out between Xbox and PlayStation, there will be no one left to fight because we’ll all be at home kart racing Yoshi on A BIKE THAT LOOKS LIKE YOSHI.
So, what’s the big deal with Mario Kart 8?
First off, the newest sections of each track are anti-gravity portions where your kart, bike, or the new ATV transforms into a cool looking hover vehicle. This is a fun way to race. Don’t worry, you can still get your drift boost and even a bit of an extra speed bump by brushing past markers and other characters. Large sections of the tracks are also underwater and the game looks badass. The new Rainbow Road will make you cry all the happy and sad tears. After a sweet race, you can watch the best moments and put it in slow motion to relive that time you fucked Toad up with a red shell and shot past that little turd for the win. But you were classy about it. Sadly, bikes only pop wheelies during speed boosts, so you probably won’t cross the finish line like you’re in Sons of Anarchy anymore.
I’m loving the gliders, too. After large jumps, your customized glider pops up and you sail through the skies, like an eagle, piloting a blimp. Wait, wrong game. There aren’t any portals in Mario Kart. Yet. There are 30 different playable characters, many of which are new Koopalings, like Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, Larry, Wendy, Ludwig, or Morton. You can also play as your favourite classic character or their baby or metal version. I’m rocking Rosalina on the sport bike with crimson slim tires and to be extra ladylike, the flower glider. There’s a lot of trash talk while the petals are blowing in the breeze.
So, the game is amazing. It’s cute. It’s fast. It’s addictive. It’s awesome.
But. But. I have to lady rant for just a minute. Because feminism.
Are the female characters getting too sexy?
I mean, even I’m distracted by my character’s tight ass in her white bike suit. The main women of the game, Rosalina, Peach, and Daisy, are definetely sexier than their male equivalents. I like that the game dynamics balance the playable characters, so it’s not like driving a girl means you can’t wipe the track with the blood of your enemies, but you’re going to look pretty doing it. It upsets me that I can’t admire a sexy male ass too. But what do I expect from Nintendo?
Let’s be honest, Peach didn’t exactly start out as a strong female character. She was a damsel in distress, waiting to be rescued. Where’s her solo game? I hope it starts with her getting abducted by Bowser and then she’s all, “This waiting around is bullshit. I’ve got my big girl panties on and I’m going to rescue myself. And save the world. And maybe visit Daisy for tea and professional wrestling on TV.”
We can all dream.