Alright, alright, let’s skip the apologies and the “where the hell were you for the past month” and all the rotten fruit you want to throw at my face. Bare with me people, while I am barely employed and trying to make it so I can stay in this beautiful country. Meanwhile, let’s dive right into my last three Game Of Thrones recaps.
It’s just an owl you dumb bitch. – Unknown Disposable Character
The owner of the inn/brothel where Gilly now lives has fun belching out song for her customers and tormenting Gilly about her baby crying at night. Gilly interrupts her when she hears an owl. When she looks outside, we have the pleasure of seeing the wildlings, including our darling Ygritte, invading Mole’s Town. The wildlings slaughter everything on their way, including the owner of the inn. Ygritte spots Gilly and her baby hiding in a corner. Fortunately, she is nice enough to spare them.
She’s dead because of me. – Sam
The young brothers of the night’s watch are arguing. They’re confined while everyone in Mole’s Town is being slaughtered. Including two of their brothers. Sam is in shock and blames himself for Gilly and little Sam’s presumed deaths. Knowing that they are next on the list, the brothers drink to the battle to come.
I am glad you saw me. – Missandei
It’s bathing time for the Unsullied and Grey Worm stares at Missandei while she’s washing her clothes in the river, naked. This until she notices and slowly stands while covering herself. Later, Missandei talks about the incident with Dany. Dany doesn’t see what the big deal is, seeing as Grey Worm is not interested. Missandei challenges that idea and to be fair, I don’t think you stare at a naked person for so long without being at least a little bit curious. This leads Dany to wonder if the slavers left Grey Worm with enough of his package to be able to do things. Good question.
As Missandei wanders the pyramid, Grey Worm comes to her to apologize. Once again, Missandei shows pity to him but Grey Worm shows her the world as he sees it. Hadn’t he been Unsullied, he would never have met her.
Will we go home now? – Reek
Ramsay finishes preparing Reek for his mission, this not without making fun of krakens for their lack of wits. Ramsay tests Reek’s loyalty one last time before letting him go.
It seems like Reek and his white flag have come just at the right time. He advances on a road paved with corpses and finds even more dead people in the moat. The commander of the garrison doesn’t look in a much better state. Reek plays his role, promising a just and fair treatment to the ironborn if they surrender to Lord Bolton without a fight. The commander of the garrison doesn’t buy it. Can’t blame him on that. Reek makes a very poor imitation of Theon Greyjoy. The man ends up spitting a huge blob of blood and… er… plague, on Reek’s face. He starts rebelling, inducing a the beginning of the serious panic attack in Reek. Fortunately for Ramsay’s lap dog, the other ironborn disagree with their commander, which they manifest by burying an axe in his skull. Their surrender allow Reek to accomplish his mission and bring them back to Ramsay, who gleefully tortures them to death. Never change, Ramsay. Never change.
We would like to speak with the girl. – Lord Royce
Lord Royce and two other members of the nobility interview Petyr Baelish, regarding Lysa Arryn’s tragic death. They are aware of Lysa’s fondness for Baelish but weirdly enough, they won’t believe the version of the story of a guy who has « sleazy douchebag » written all over his face. They ask to speak to Sansa and surprise! She is waiting right outside of the room. The look on Baelish’s face when she enters is somewhere between « fuck » and « please don’t let me down ». At first, it seems like it’s not going to go well. Sansa decides to tell the truth to her judges. Baelish can already see his own head rotting on a spike when Sansa gives out her real identity to Lord Royce but it soon becomes clear that the only truth Sansa is willing to give is the one that will guarantee her own protection. The tragic story of her time in King’s Landing is enough to make Lord Royce trust her. After that, she could say anything. Like, you know, that Lysa killed herself out of pure jealousy and despair. A few fake tears and the judges are convinced. After that, Baelish can easily convince the lords of the Vale to both take arms against the Lannisters, and take Robyn away from his home for « educational purposes ». Well played, guys. Well played.
If you’re found in Meereen past the break of day, I’ll have your head thrown into Slaver’s Bay. – Daenaerys
A little boy gives a letter marked with the King’s Hand’s seal to Ser Barristan. Oh boy. I know someone who’s going to get in trouble. Of course, Ser Barristan immediately confronts Ser Jorah about the letter, which happens to be a royal pardon for his services as a spy. Ser Jorah immediately understands how bad this is for his relationship with Dany. He wishes to speak to her in private but Ser Barristan forbids it.
To say that Dany is not happy when Ser Jorah shows his face in the throne room is an understatement. Ser Jorah tries to cover up his lies with more lies but he quickly resigns to tell the truth, including how he informed Varys of her pregnancy, leading to a murder attempt on her person. Jorah is in tears when a livid Dany commands him to leave the city at once but he has no choice. Ser Jorah is last seen leaving Meereen on his horse.
Now tell me what is your name. – Lord Bolton
Ramsay presents Moat Cailin’s flag to his father. As they take a walk together, Lord Bolton and Ramsay Snow reenact a creepy version of the Lion King scene where Mufasa shows Simba his future kingdom. Ramsay is now officially a Bolton. The Seven have pity on us all.
I know what you want. – Sansa
Baelish joins Sansa in her room, in search for answers. Why did she help him? Not because she particularly likes Baelish but because she has finally learnt to think about her own interests. She knows what Baelish desires. I mean, it’s not like he’s been telling her how much she looks like her mother or anything.
Nothing makes you happy. – The Hound
Arya and The Hound discuss Joffrey’s death and how disappointed Arya is that she could not kill him herself. The Hound’s wound is apparently not healed, even if he won’t admit it. They walk up to the Bloody Gate. The Hound introduces himself and Arya to the guards, only to see them tell him that Lysa Arryn is dead. Arya bursts out laughing. Yeah. I think I would have had the same reaction.
Shall we go? – Sansa
Baelish tries to convince Robyn that leaving the castle will help him become a true Lord of the Vale when he is interrupted by Sansa’s arrival and holy shit, Sansa. When did you become freaking Maleficent?
There is no kind of killing that doesn’t have its own word. – Tyrion
Tyrion waits for his trial by combat with anxiety and a generous amount of wine. He tries to have Jaime reassure him on Oberyn’s chances but they just end up discussing what the sentence is for regicide. The conversation drifts on the different names for relative-killing, then on their cousin Orson Lannister, a simple-minded boy who used to spend his days crushing beetles. At the time, Tyrion was obsessed with discovering the reason behind his cousin’s acts and spent an awful amount of time observing him, until a mule kicked Orson in the chest and killed him. Years later, Tyrion is still hungry for answers. Why the gratuitous cruelty and killing? Unfortunately, the bells interrupt his philosophical ramblings. It is time.
Say it. You raped her, you murdered her, you killed her children. – Oberyn
Tyrion is lead to the place where the fight will take place under the watch of dozens of people. There, Tyrion joins Oberyn “Please Be Naked Now” Martell as he finishes preparing for the fight, which seems to include drinking. The Mountain makes his entrance. Ellaria, who is also around, sees him and immediately guesses that this guy is bad news. There is no discouraging Prince Oberyn, though. He kisses Ellaria, promising her to never leave her alone in this world, then joins The Mountain in the arena. The Dornish prince immediately shows off his skills with a spear and turns out he’s pretty damn good.
The Mountain and The Red Viper immediately engage. Oberyn, light, agile, and with the advantage given by his weapon of choice, quickly takes the advantage. He also immediately starts asking for a confession to The Mountain, who is really just interested in trying to cut his head off. The giant manages to reduce Oberyn’s spear to pieces, but the Dornish prince immediately grabs another one. Soon, Oberyn lands hit after hit until he gets The Mountain laying flat on his back on the ground. If you ask me, this would have been a good time to immediately kill him and be done with it but Oberyn is way too lost in his grief and anger to realize it. Even after driving his spear through The Mountain’s chest, he still paces around him, demanding a confession until he makes the mistake of coming too close. The Mountain then immediately throws him on the ground. Before anybody can react, he sits on Oberyn, his gigantic hands locked around the prince’s head. Without any efforts and while finally giving his confession, The Mountain gouges Oberyn’s eyes out and crushes his skull under Ellaria’s horrified screams. The Mountain collapses near Oberyn’s corpse. Tyrion goes numb. This is his death penalty.