Seriously, if David Benioff and D.B. Weiss keep amping the awesomeness, my brain is probably going to explode. I intend on being alive to see the end of the story, whether by reading the books or watching the end of the show. However, if I die, I will go haunt George R R Martin’s house and read all of his notes.
Brilliant speech. They’ll be talking about it for days to come. – Jaime
Jaime is not amused by Tyrion’s last outburst at the trial. Who can blame him? Tyrion shat all over his brother’s efforts to get him out of King’s Landing alive, all because he couldn’t stand seeing Shae lying about their relationship. Then again, I can’t blame him either and when Jaime understands that Tyrion is in love with Shae, neither can he. After all, being heartbroken is something Jaime can understand (or at least, he can if we ignore that damn episode 3). Tyrion is so enraged at his father and at the rest of the world that he insult Jaime to the point where the Commander has to remind him that he is his last ally. However, Jaime can’t fight for Tyrion: he is not a skilled enough swordsman with his left hand. Tyrion jokes around about Jaime being his champion anyway, just to humiliate their father, but Jaime is not as thrilled as he could be. Disappointed, Tyrion asks Jaime to find Bronn. But who did Cersei choose as her champion?
Does it matter? – Cersei
Why, the Mountain of course. The Mountain, who is busy cutting peasants in half. They may kneel and cry and beg for their lives, Gregor Clegane does not care. He just wants to gut them all. A charming man indeed. It’s the kind of man Cersei likes to have around though, especially when she’s planning on horribly murdering people. She even comes to greet him herself.
Nothing isn’t better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing. – Arya
Attracted by the smoke, Arya and The Hound find a man dying in the ruins of his hut. The man’s wound is bad enough that he will eventually die, but the Hound offers to help him get there faster. The man hesitates, allowing Arya to have one of her most existential lines so far. The moment in itself is heavy but strangely quiet after having witnessed Tyrion’s outburst. The man knows he has to die. He takes time to think about it. In their respect for the dying, The Hound and Arya don’t even lie to him when he asks them who they are. Then, the Hound gives the man the gift of death. Hah. Nice foreshadowing show. Nice foreshadowing.
The Hound takes a moment to give Arya a lesson in killing people properly and is immediately attacked by a man who bites him ferociously on the neck. He breaks the man’s neck in return and turns around only to see a second attacker. This one reveals to both the Hound and Arya that Joffrey is dead and that there is a reward on The Hound’s head. Arya doesn’t care much. She recognizes in him a man who threatened her when she was fleeing King’s Landing. The Hound asks the man his name. « Rouge », he says. Arya thanks him and gleefully stabs him through the heart.
We should seal the tunnel. Plus it with rocks and ice, flood it and let it freeze. – Jon
Jon comes back to the Wall with Ghost and the rest of the men. His brothers are happy to see him and Alliser Thorne ruins it by threatening to throw Ghost into the evening stew. Later, during his report, Jon tries to get the Night’s Watch to seal the tunnel so nothing can get past the Wall and into the Seven Kingdoms, the kind of revolutionary idea that could get a man killed if you want my humble opinion. Of course, Alliser Thorne does not listen, reminding Jon once again that one, he does not command the Night’s Watch and two, he is but a stewart. Basically, that scene is what all the scenes involving Jon Snow and Alliser Thorne have been: Jon Snow trying to be useful and Thorne being a huge dick because he is afraid that Jon may overpower him.
If I gave you the choice between fucking Lollys and fighting the Mountain, you’d have your breeches down and your cock up before I could blink. – Bronn
Bronn visits Tyrion, wearing new clothes that reek of a pact with Cersei. Bronn quickly explains that he is to marry Lollys Stokeworth. I should probably pause for a second to remind you who the hell that is.
Basically, they didn’t make too much of a fuss about her in the show. I think they mentioned her being raped during the bread riot in King’s Landing, but that’s about it. In the books… well, she wasn’t mentioned that often either, but it was also said that she got pregnant after the rape and that Bronn’s wedding to her came in very timely to give a father to the child. Of course, that wouldn’t be too relevant in the show seeing as a year or two have passed but I just wanted to point out that this is the reason why Bronn married Lollys in the first place.
Tyrion quickly guesses that his charming sister is behind all this, having promised a castle and a title to Bronn. Why has Bronn come to Tyrion then? Well, because the situation is a little more complicated than that. It’s not only that Cersei bribed Bronn. Bronn is also afraid of the Mountain, which is, you know, understandable. Tyrion tries to surpass his sister’s offer, but yeah. Mountain. Scary. Bronn won’t budge. Tyrion swallows his disappointment and even shakes Bronn’s hand before he leaves, but let’s face it. His last chance of getting out the trial alive just turned his back on him.
Take off your clothes. – Daenaerys
Dany walks into her quarters to find Daario waiting for her with wild flowers. She ignores once again his stupid attempt to impress her but accepts to listen to him. Daario complains that he can get neither fights nor women in Meereen. Dany argues that she ordered him to keep the streets at peace and that there are thousands of women in the city. Daario replies that there’s only one woman that he wants with the most adorable puppy eyes I’ve ever seen. Daario proves loyal, once again, saying to Dany that since he pledged his sword to her, he will do as she command. And when he says sword, he also means penis. Daario implores Dany to let him do what he does best. She then commands him to take off his clothes and there is not enough blur in the world to hide the magnificence of Daario’s ass.
Men never crave what they already have. – Melissandre
Speaking of naked people, Selyse comes in Melissandre’s chambers as the priestess is having a bath. She prays the queen to bring her one of her viles for her bath while she’s there, which somehow leads to naked Melissandre explaining to her why lies are necessary by showing her all the subterfuges she uses to guide men into the light of R’llhor. Most of her powders and potions are made to impress men or frighten them, but one in particular can « drive a man mad with lust ». In the 21st century, we also call that an aphrodisiac, Mel. Just so you know. After a look down Melissandre’s body, Selyse finally dares asking the question. Did Melissandre sleep with Stannis? Melissandre s answer is unsurprisingly passive-aggressive and could be resumed to « Yeah, but if you did, I wouldn’t have to. Plus I’m a priestess so shush. » Selyse closes her eyes on that and turns to her favourite scapegoat: her daughter. She doesn’t want Shireen to come with them on their journey to the North. Once again, Melissandre changes her mind by linking the presence of Shireen to the will of the Lord Of Light.
They can live in my new world or they can die in their old one. – Daenaerys
On his way out of the queen’s chambers, Daario taunts Jorah about sleeping with the queen. Jorah then proceeds to calmly express his disapproval, asking Dany how she could have faith in Daario. Oh Jorah. I know what kind of love you have for your queen, but Daario Naharis is really not about that. He’s more about agitated nakedness. Daenaerys announces that she sent Daario and his Second Sons to retake Yunkai. Jorah disapproves of that too, especially since Dany intends on just slaughtering a bunch of people once again. Jorah changes her mind, taking his own example: If Ned Stark had not shown mercy to him, he could never have become a better man. Dany sees his point. Jorah will give her new orders: Hizdhar zo Loraq is to accompany the Second Sons to give a proposition to the masters of Yunkai: enter a new, slavery-free era, or die with slavery. She even allows Jorah to brag about changing her mind to Daario. Oh Dany, you facetious little thing.
The pain was bad. The smell was worse. But the worst thing was it was my brother who did it. – The Hound
Arya tries to get The Hound to treat his wound correctly and fails epicly because it involves fire. To be fair, I’m not afraid of fire but you’d have to knock me unconscious before being able to cauterize even the tiniest wound on my body. The Hound distabilizes Arya with his shouting, while Arya’s attempt to get fire near him finally breaks the Hound. He curses her for making him a target and, upon watching Arya honing Needle, finally opens about his past. We may have heard the story before but we finally get to understand the Hound’s pain, how horrible it was to be disfigured by his brother, then to see his attacker protected by their father. Arya understands. She helps The Hound wash his wound.
… I hope you know that this probably means that The Hound will be dead soon.
You cannot give up on the gravy. – Pie
Brienne and Pod treat themselves to a nice meal (understand: Brienne was sick of Pod’s awful cooking) and come across Pie, who happens to be the… pie guy, I guess. Remember Pie? You know, he’s the little shit that Arya used to be friends with when she was still traveling with Yoren. Well, it’s the same Pie. Brienne compliments him on the pie and he decides to sit with Brienne and Pod to tell them all about pies while they sit there not knowing what to do or how to stop him. I feel like that’s how most people react when I start ranting about animation. Pie then goes on asking them questions about the reason why they stopped there. Exasperated, Brienne tells him that they are searching for Sansa Stark. Weirdly enough, it makes Pie flee, but not whithout hearing about Brienne’s oath to Catelyn Stark.
The next morning, Pod expressed his disapproval to Brienne while they’re preparing their horses. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to mention that they’re searching for Sansa. Pie joins them and finally tells them that he knows Arya. He sends them on her trail with a bread baked in the shape of a wolf.
If you want justice, you’ve come to the wrong place. – Tyrion
Oberyn I Could Die In Your Arms Tonight Martell finally visits Tyrion. I say finally because I like to taunt you about the fact that I know things. At first, Tyrion almost thinks he’s in for an epic telling of Oberyn’s night with a whore. It turns out that Oberyn wants to tell Tyrion about Cersei. Yay. Oberyn tells Tyrion about the last time Cersei came to him, all eager to get a ship to her daughter as a late birthday present, but barely able to hide her real intentions. Oberyn knows how much Cersei hates Tyrion. He has been aware of it for years. Oberyn then recounts his very first visit of Westeros, when his father took him and his sister Elia to Casterly Rock. He hated everything there, from the food to the weather, but he was especially disappointed when he saw Tyrion. He thought he was in for a treat, having been told that Tywin Lannister’s newborn child was a monster. He was really not thrilled to discover that Tyrion was, in fact, just a baby. Cersei, meanwhile, tried to pinch Tyrion’s penis off until Jaime stopped her. This reminder of Cersei’s hatred towards him makes Tyrion tear up. That’s when Oberyn reveals his plan. He wants justice for his poor sister and her children. He is the only one who hates both the Lannisters and The Mountain enough to not be afraid. He will be Tyrion’s champion. Try to keep your pants on, ladies.
Given the opportunity, what do we do to those who’ve hurt the ones we love? – Peter Baelish
Sansa builds a snow replica of Winterfell in the courtyard. Robyn soon joins her, to her great, er, let’s say that she hides her joy very well. Sansa explains to Robyn that she is trying to recall what Winterfell looks like but all Robyn wants to talk about is how he never left his castle because he is a very important person. That and the Moon Door. The kid never shuts up about the Moon Door. Actually, for a while, his eagerness to please Sansa and make her take part in throwing people through the Moon Door is almost touching. However, as soon as Robyn inadvertantly knocks down onf of the snow towers of the replica, things go south. Sansa points out that Robyn ruined the replica and Robyn, well, never had anybody telling him that he could do something wrong. He destroys the rest of the snow castle in a fit of rage, until Sansa slaps him across the face.
… Oh my God, Sansa DID something. Anyway, Robyn runs away, crying. Then, Petyr Baelishenters the scene. He tries to cheer up Sansa, who is feeling generally sad and confused. She then pressed him to tell her why he killed Joffrey. Ain’t nothing but a heartache, Sansa. Ain’t nothing but a heartache. I’m not kidding, that’s pretty much what Baelish tells her. He also tells her that she could have been his child… right before he kisses her. Dude, gross. Also Lysa totally saw that.
I know what you did. – Lysa
Sansa finds Lysa looking through the Moon Door. She joins her aunt in her contemplation, a beginner’s mistake if you ask me. Lysa then takes her time to explain to her how bodies react to a fall of hundreds of miles before telling her that she knows what happened with Baelish. At first she seems measured but she quickly escalates into a murderous rage, this despite Sansa trying to defend herself and calm her down. She grabs Sansa by the hair and forces her to lean forward, all the while yelling at her how she arranged the deaths of all the people who stood between her and the love of her life. Baelish soon appears and makes Lysa release Sansa by swearing to send the young girl away. While Sansa collapses on the floor, Baelish walks up to a sobbing Lysa and promises her that he has only ever loved one woman. Catelyn. One push and Lysa falls through the Moon Door.