This week’s shittiest piece of dialogue goes to Grant Ward on Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. When asked by Raina about how he gained the trust of Coulson’s agents, particularly getting in to May’s pants, Ward responds, “I’m everyone’s type.”
“I’m everyone’s type.”
No. NO. Just, no. Only charismatic, interesting characters can say that and get away with it. As Susana Polo pointed out in her excellent recap of the episode, Red Sonja can say she’s everybody’s type. But she also pulls off a chain mail bikini and is fantastic with a sword, so you disagree with her.
First off, while Ward is definitely easy on the eyes, he’s got all the personality of a soda cracker. I prefer to call him Agent Bored. He was a terribly dull good guy and the evil flip has barely managed to spice him up. Sure, he’s more interesting as a Hydra agent but now he’s a jerk. This egotistical line makes him extremely unlikable because of the high douche quotient and blatant disregard for good taste. If you have to choose between your character being dull or being an asshole, for sure being an asshole is an improvement. But he’s so closely connected to the character we are supposed to give a shit about, Skye, that the whole thing makes me SO MAD. Hulk mad! All the Skye business is terrible storytelling. It’s working so hard telling us Skye is special and there’s no showing us. I have no idea why I should care about her at all and now I also don’t care about the romantic sub plot between Ward and Skye. In fact, I care even less because he claims to be her type. I hope she shoots him in his beautiful, smug face. No, I hope May shoots him in the face. No! I hope Red Sonja shows up and shoots him in the face.
The best thing a friend wrote about AoS is that since the Captain America movie finally pushed the show forward and Patton Oswalt came on board, it’s “watchable”. WATCHABLE. That’s not exactly high praise and I totally agree. Prove me wrong, AoS, become the awesome show you were destined to be. Next week, the talented Cobie Smulders should appear as Maria Hill and hopefully bam the show up a notch. I can’t give up on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. because there’s so much promise in the concept and potential in the characters. But Skye needs to put on her big girl panties and figure her shit out. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen until she confronts her feelings for Ward and we have to sit through at least one episode of her realizing he’s a bad guy. And that he works for Hydra. Zing!
– Roz Y.