Internet sensation Christie Sims made headlines several months ago when her dinosaur erotica books hit the virtual shelves. With stories that involved voluptuous cave-women being ravaged by our ancient reptilian Earth inhabitants, it seemed almost too good to be true for a demented, depraved human being such as myself.
The extent of my dino-porn knowledge never strayed beyond Rob Bricken’s Pulitzer-nominated review of a certain lunatic’s Lara Croft/Velociraptor M-rated fanfic. I figured that was enough to tide me over for a lifetime, to be quite frank.
However, curiosity has and always will be a total bitch, so I downloaded Kindle onto my Mac and went trolling on Amazon for some Christie Sims.
About 90% of her stories involve a beautiful cave-lady who encounters a well-endowed, ridiculously horny dragon/dinosaur who insists that they bang in order for her to live. Honestly, the more you think about the logistics, the less likely you’ll enjoy it. Do you really need to know how a T-rex is going to put his enormous, tree-sized penis inside of a woman? No, you really don’t.
Anyway, after skirting through several synopsis, one in particular caught my eye.
“Kera is the greatest alchemist-healer in her village. She can heal every wound and ailment – all except for her dying father’s sickness. Kera needs a special ingredient -the blood of a gryphon – to cure him, but gryphons are deadly creatures. Throwing caution to the wind, Kera goes out in the wildness to find and kill herself a gryphon. When she finds one, she discovers that the gryphon is more than willing to simply trade her his blood. The gryphon only asks that Kera give her body to him…but will she do it?”
Okay, so I don’t care much for the second half of the paragraph, but the first bit sounds rather intriguing! Alchemist? Killing gryphons? I’m in.
3 dollars is a small price to pay for an afternoon of entertainment. Or so I thought.
Let it be known that Christie Sims is actually not a bad writer. Her prose is visual (barf), thought-provoking (BARF), and at times, quite humorous (thank heavens). To put things into perspective, I can easily say Christie Sims could be a Nobel laureate compared to EL James.
Which is why I’m 99.9% certain that Christie Sims is a troll.
I’m actually rather impressed. She has garnered attention just through the sheer novelty of her insanity. It almost makes me wish I had thought of this sooner and capitalized on people’s morbid curiosity.
Regardless, I’m here to provide an objective review on a piece of literature. So here it is.
|When you realize that this woman is about to have sex with Buckbeak, you die a little inside.|
Kera, a beautiful alchemist with rosy cheeks and a thawing smile, has healed her village of its ailments, but cannot for the life of her save her own father.
Forgetting the fact that she’s stubbornly kept her father in a miserable state of half-life, half-death for the last seven years, Kera is a kind-hearted and determined soul. Against her father’s wishes, she attains a map of the forest in which the Gryphon lives in and sets off.
The entire book is only 23 pages long, so there is no time to dawdle. Events happen at a lightning pace, and thank GOD, because I don’t know if I can take a mystical creature erotica of biblical proportions without a dozen handles of tequila first.
Kera approaches a Gryphon’s nest – and this is where my ill-found respect for Christie Sims reared its ugly head. I thought triumphantly to myself, “HA! Only female gryphons can lay eggs! How is a female gryphon going to have sex with a female human? I am beginning to doubt the verisimilitude of your ridiculous story!” Then —
She should have known that her prey was a male as the nest was completely lacking in eggs. It was merely his resting place.
|Bravo, Christie. Bravo.|
I hung my head in shame as I realized Christie Sims actually did somewhat consider the logistics of it all. I suppose you can’t be a dino-sex connoisseur without knowing something about the physics.
So the Gryphon seizes Kera and pins her down, screaming into her face about how big of a bitch she is for trying to kill him without letting him know first. He “cracks a smile through the beak” and offers his blood, since he sympathizes with her situation. However, there is one condition.
Kera, being the slutty freak that she is, nearly jumps out of her clothes at the proposition – since no human man back home is able to fill that gryphon-shaped hole inside of her.
Here is where things get steamy. And also psychotic, but let us not dwell on that.
“Why don’t you respond to that by kissing me? Kiss me hard.”
The gryphon did just that. Kera only feared how the beak would be compatible with the human mouth, but it didn’t matter. He cupped it over her face tenderly, and let his stallion-like tongue do all the work.
|GROSS – Buckbeak, you dirty whore.|
His tongue extended itself all across her body and seemed to wrap around her like a snake.
Oh, and it gets even better when you realize that they’re doing this all while flying through the air.
As her cave expanded, so too did her feelings of lust and love.
WOW, CHRISTY. A+++++++++++. GOLD STAR.
So after they reach their simultaneous climax half a page later, Buckbeak – I mean, the gryphon plucks out a feather and drains a bit of his blood for Kera’s father. He even offers to give her a ride home. What a gentleman.
Her father makes a miraculous recovery, and Kera finds a feather in the backyard (suggestive, I think so), and she plans on returning to her newly found lover for more. The end.
Now that I’ve read the entire thing, I’m not entirely sure that it was even worth the 3 dollars. I’m rather disappointed. If you’re going to write about mythical beastiality, I would’ve expected something a little more provocateur. I’ve read plenty of fanfics that have given me more joy, more terror, and more brain aneurysms than Christie could ever muster in 23 pages. I suppose I do have to read more of her work to really understand the author, but I have a feeling T-Rex Troubles isn’t going to be much better.
I do appreciate her trying, though. But I’m just sayin’, I can do a lot better.
– Rachel C.