If y’all can remember, we left the story at a mind-numbingly awful place: Jack Sparrow and Hermione Granger get captured by Commodore Norrington’s men and are locked up together.
At any given point in the story, you’re left wondering: Why the FUCK doesn’t Hermione use her magic to get the fuck out of trouble? Well, the author answers that simple question by stating that without her wand, Hermione was essentially just a regular human being.
I love Harry Potter and though I’m no connoisseur, I’m pretty sure that can’t be correct.
Once Hermione and Jack are locked up, witty, romantic and sexually-charged banter ensues between the lovelorn two. Not at all, but you can definitely see the author trying. And it’s kind of sad how it all wilts into a sad pile of sadness.
We cut to Elizabeth gazing out of her window while droplets of rainwater slide down the glass (no fucking joke) as she thinks about a certain underage wizard and his jet black hair and round spectacles.
Favourite line: And that Commodore Norrington. He can nice, but what a sleezy person. I saw him check out Harry’s friend Hermione.
MEANWHILE, Harry wanders through the rainy streets of Port Royal, pining after Elizabeth and trying to keep his boner from shredding his trousers. Just as he decides to head to the dock – for no other reason than to lead into the next big plot point – and discovers the Black Pearl heading into the bay.
I’d like to take a moment to revel at the author’s grammar and spelling. Misspelling ‘hoards’ as ‘whoards’ deserves a medal of some sort at the very least.
So at this point in the story, the crew of the Black Pearl raid the quaint little town. Harry immediately jumps into Will Turner’s shoes and lands his hands on a gun (even though I’m pretty sure he’s never used one in his life, let alone an 18th century flintlock pistol), and runs off towards the Swan estate to save his beloved.
Favourite line: Gun in hand, Harry pointed with it all around.
I am 99% positive that is not how you use a gun.
They flee into the dining room, where Harry shoves Elizabeth into a closet and tries to fight off Pintel and Ragetti (aka POTC comic relief) with his gun and not his magic.
Favourite line: Ha Ha Ha. Stupid Boy. We can’t die.
Besides the unnecessary usage of capitals, the author stays pretty true to the film canon.
MEANWHILE, Ginny runs through the alley screaming and crying and knitting and whatever it is that weak female characters do. She screams for Will, who finds her and embraces her, igniting a fire deep in her heart.
Favourite line: Such a dear an kind person he is… and not to mention. Hot. This is so sweet.
I’d like to commend the author for willing herself to adhere to the actual plot of the first POTC movie and not dissolving her story 5 chapters in for some PWP aka Porn Without Plot. I am genuinely surprised that there are fanfics out there that don’t have excessive amounts of knob-sucking and penetrations of strange places within the first 1000 words.
Anyway, Elizabeth and Harry invoke the right of Parley (parllet in the author’s spelling) and meets Captain Barbossa.
Favourite line: “Elizabeth Turner. I am a servant in the Govenor’s household.” she stated. She came to Harry. “And he is my fiancee.”
Okay, first of all, Elizabeth, you only stated your name as Turner because you were in love with Will in the movie universe, however, in this batshit insane fic that involves no sex of any sort, you are in love with Harry Potter aka the Boy Who Lived. The very least you could do is adopt the last name of the extremely underage wizard you want to bang.
I can’t explain how awful of a Mary Sue this fic is. I will not forgive taking one of the most beloved female characters of all time and twisting her into some sort of useless feinting bonny lass in a corset. I hate this author and I hate everything.
Hermione and Ginny reunite, as do Jack and Will. Also, I am disappoint that Jack and Will don’t get it on.
MEANWHILE, Harry decides against telling Elizabeth about Lord Voldemort – not that she’d care, since that shit happens 200 years later.
Hermione and Co. arrive at Tortuga. “Old fashioned music” blasted on the streets.
Favourite line: “If only there were some hip hop and pop joints in here!” Ginny whispered quietly into Hermione’s ear. She laughed.
I am now 100% positive that this author knows nothing about the Harry Potter universe and is solely using Ginny and Hermione as some sort of Mary Sue vessels for herself to get it on with two of the sexiest pirates in cinematic history. Okay, I sort of can’t blame her.
Hermione encounters Ron (who hasn’t been seen since he royally fucked up in the first chapter) and Jack Sparrow is jealous. Hermione and Ginny look into disgust at “Fat Prostitutes sliding their tongues down ugly mens’ mouths”.
Favourite line: “That will never be us” Hermione told Ginny. They nodded. They promised themselves that they would not sink that low.
I hate the world for ever making me think Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley had to make a conscious decision not to becoming overweight prostitutes. Hhhhhaaaaateeeeeeee.
So at this point I’m thinking to myself, “Can I really put myself through another 12 chapters of this inane bullshit?” I decided that no, I couldn’t do it to myself. Nor to anyone else.
So forgive the cop out, but it really is the best for all of us. I skipped to the last chapter: Eternal Vows.
The Black Pearl sails down the coast of “Portobello and other regions” until they reach Singapore. Hermione gets into her wedding garb with the help of Anamaria (Zoe Saldana, for those who can’t remember) and walks down the aisle.
Favourite line: “Do you, Jack Sparrow, take Hermione Granger..”
“Captain Jack Sparrow..”
“Right…Captain Jack Sparrow..do you take Hermione Granger to be your loftly wedded wife? Till death due you part?”
I want to die. 25 chapters and no sex. This is literally the most pointless and depressing thing I’ve read since Romeo and Juliet.
I want to burn my computer to a crisp and then force the author to eat the ashes.