I’ve never written to you before, but I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve never been so confused. Not even when I couldn’t get algebra and my dad had to sit me down for hours practicing. I was really good at math but for some reason, variables eluded me at first. Now, I can do simple algebra like a motherfucker. But I don’t understand what happened on The Mentalist.
I feel like I missed something. Jane had the list narrowed down to seven guys and then in Episode 7, “The Great Red Dragon”, it’s either Bertram or Smith, eventually Bertram. CBI gets shut down and Jane announces to the world who Red John is. Cool. I have to admit, part of my confusion could be because I was only a casual Mentalist viewer. I haven’t seen every episode in seasons 2-4. I’m all caught up after that, but I admit to some Red John back story holes. It’s totally possible that I’ve missed some important clues that leave me looking like a complete retard when everyone is nodding during Mentalist water cooler chat. It’s my fault, I know. But I don’t like feeling so dumb.
One of these guys is Red John. OR IS HE? I HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE I’M DUMB!
So when I start watching my pvr’d episode of the next Mentalist and Jane is suddenly living in some tropical paradise on an island, I lose my shit. He apparently killed Red John and now Lisbon is a police chief. Why? What? Who? Come again for medium fudge? Usually procedurals don’t make me feel so stupid. I watch a lot of faux crime TV. Usually I figure the murder out. I’M SMART. I once dropped a corn pop on the floor when I was eating cereal out of the box. And then, when I bent down to snag that delectable morsel before the ten second rule when into effect (as in, all bacteria and fungi agree to give you ten seconds before they colonize your dropped food, only five seconds if it’s gooey), I tipped the cereal box past the point of no return. So, every single corn pop cascaded out of the box and then rolled into the far reaches of my kitchen as though I was at a high spot and gravity really wanted to give me the finger. That’s an example of me being not smart. But the rest of the time, I swear I’m super clever.
Oh, that’s interesting. While writing this letter to you, Abby, I had to look up the name for Ep. 7 and I see that I watched Ep. 9, “My Blue Heaven” this week. I appear to have missed Ep. 8, WHICH IS TITLED “Red John” AND PROBABLY EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. I’ve been going around telling people I can’t figure out this show and they’ve been looking at me like I eat glue. I’m surprised they don’t offer to tie my shoe laces for me before I leave.
Well, I guess this letter is moo now. I’ll go watch the missing Mentalist episode and fill in my brain gap. There’s probably an actual patch of synapses missing, which would look like CJD right now if anyone checked. Yes, I made a joke about prions! My life is complete.
Why am I so smart and yet so dumb?