Fanfiction Review: The One In Which Jack Sparrow Bones Hermione Granger: Part 1

wtf
On a scale of 1 to 10 – 10 being absolutely fucking insane – this is a relatively amicable 5. Yes, okay, it does involve our favourite sweaty kohl-wearing pirate marrying a 16 year-old witch, but I’ve suffered through fics in which many beloved comic book characters have been torn open from crotch to sternum in a rage-fuelled sexcapade involving old chicken drumsticks, so I think we’re alright.
So for this week, I’m going to review as much of DarkEscapade’s Eternal Curse as I can physically handle… which ended up being around 4 chapters out of a psychotic 25.
 

Let’s begin!

The story kicks off with Ron stealing Hermione’s time turner and playing ‘neener neener’ with the annoyed witch. As per usual, Ron fucks up big time and sends the Golden Trio plus Ginny back in time.

Favourite line: And with that, it was safe to say that they were no longer in the Magic World. The Dorotheys were missing their Kansas.

It’s fairly evident from the first paragraph that this person is not a troll – or is and actually put in a tremendous amount of effort and time into writing a story that has earned its keep in the Hall of Fic Insanity and Shame.
This is where we cross over into Mary Sue territory. The author conveniently switches over to Hermoine’s POV just as we land in POTC-land – then switches back just three lines later. She’s magically wearing a corset and the only person within earshot is – GUESS WHO – Captain Jack Sparrow. As per Cap’n Sparrow’s horndog inclinations, he uses her as a sexy distraction to commandeer a ship. Hermione’s clever 16 year-old brain can’t stop her from crushing on Jack’s crusty fingernails and incredibly stylish dreadlocks.
MEANWHILE IN MONDOR – I’m kidding, I meant Port Royal – Harry Potter lands face first into the ground right next to – guess fucking who – Keira Knightley. I mean, Elizabeth Swann.

Favourite line: That Harry guy is not bad. Better than Norrington. Elizabeth commentated in her mind.

Norrington proposes to a corset-wearing Elizabeth (because apparently in POTC-land corsets are NON-OPTIONAL for ladies), who promptly falls into the water. Norrington gallantly tears off his jacket and is about to plunge in after her, but—

Favourite line: “It’s no use.” a solider told him. “It’s not likely that she will survive that kind of fall because of the rocks.”

“All right. To the docks then.” Norrington and the spectators followed him to the destination.

MEANWHILE, Hermione hears Elizabeth falling into the water (it’s only here that I realize they’re all in Port Royal – AUTHOR, how am I supposed to submerse myself into the story when I can’t even geographically place each character?!) and alerts Jack. Jack leaps into the water and saves Elizabeth (and THIS was when I realized the fic was just following the plot of the first POTC movie except with the addition of FOUR FUCKING MAGICAL WIZARDS).
Jack is confronted by the Commodore (and the tag-along Harry Potter), he grabs Hermione and they run for it. Hermione screams her head off – WHY? 

Favourite line: “Getting away with you, love” he grinned.

“Why?”

“Because you are… unique in my opinion” Hermione couldn’t help blush for a brief moment, and ran with Jack into the depths of Port Royal.

Wow, I just met you and this is crazy, but you are so unique let’s be fugitives together.
Elizabeth stops Harry from chasing after Hermione, and they have a little laugh about how much he cares for her – but you know, in a sisterly way, just to reassure Elizabeth that Hermione’s not competition.

Favourite line: Deep inside, she wanted to be more than just Harry’s friend. And also, Harry hoped for the same thing inside his heart.

Um, you’ve met for like five minutes. And he’s also exponentially younger than you are, Elizabeth.
Before he runs boldly off into the ‘depths of Port Royal’, Elizabeth seized his hand and does something that would be totally illegal in present day Earth – she smooches him, leaving him horny and completely torn.

Favourite line: He was in love, but she was something he could not have.

MEANWHILE, Jack does the same illegal thing – except I’m pretty sure it’s more illegal because Jack is even older- and kisses the bushy-haired witch. Hermione slaps him, then does that fucking annoying Mary Sue inner dialogue thing where she questions her attraction to him. He loves me. He loves me not. Except instead of petals it’s the reader’s sanity that’s being pulled apart.

Favourite line: “No one can resist Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Okay, fine. I’ll give her that one.
At this point, Will Turner shows up and has that sexy sword fight with Jack. Ginny pops up from behind a pile of garbage (or something) because the author forgot about her for the last three chapters and Hermione confesses her feelings for Jack – well, not really, she just calls him ‘hot’. The Commodore shows up and arrests Jack and Hermione.
To be continued.

Fuck. Me.
– Rachel C.

One day she hopes to reach a new state of being which requires no sustenance other than alcohol and pure, unadulterated rage. Imagine the shit she’ll write then, huh?

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